CEO SEAL
Chief Chum & Sole Signatory
Mr. Koln is over 6 feet tall and has been described by employees as "extremely present" and "impossible to look directly at."
"Greetings, valued citizen. I am so glad that you are interested in an employment opportunity with our corporation. I can tell you are the sort of thrusting, dynamic, successful person who says to yourself, 'No, listen here, Mr. Koln: I've seen enough! I don't need persuading!' And hey, I get it. So have it your way and go ahead and click the button below."
P. N. Koln
▼ CHUM ENROLLMENT TERMINAL ▼
SECURE* | 4 QUESTIONS | APPROX. 40 SECONDS | ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY*Secure in the emotional sense. APPLICATIONS CLOSE SOON!!
A CHUM IS A FRIEND!
Some folks hear the word CHUM and think of old-timey pals in matching hats. Good! That is exactly what we are. A chum is a buddy. A pal. A confidant. A warm body floating in the water you are glad to see.
- chum /ˈchəm/ noun
- 1. A dear friend. A companion of the heart. Someone who would swim a long way for you.
- 2. A member in good standing of the Chum Oceans Network, entitled to fellowship, purpose, and compensation.
- 3. (nautical, archaic, irrelevant, please disregard) See Appendix J, subsection 4, "Material Dispersal & Attraction Methods." Not applicable to human chums at this time.
Down here, everybody is a chum. The whale is a chum. The eel is a chum. The little translucent guy nobody has named yet is a chum. When we say WE'RE ALL CHUMS DOWN HERE, we mean it legally - it is in our bylaws.
SO WHAT DOES A CHUM ACTUALLY DO? We hire chums for various glamorous menial tasks, including but not limited to sea floor reconnaissance, shipwreck surveying, wildlife observation, and a great many assignments far too boring to be dangerous. You will walk. You will talk. You will photograph. You will use that ginormous noggin of yours. Now and then you may set something down somewhere and calmly walk away from it. Honest work, for an honest windfall of chum chits.
WHAT YOU GET, CHUM
We here at Chum Oceans Network do not believe in unpaid friendship. Every chum is compensated in CHUM CHITS, our proprietary maritime currency, backed by the full faith and credit of the ocean itself.
| DEPTH CLEARANCE | TITLE | WHAT IT UNLOCKS |
|---|---|---|
| LEVEL 1 100 to 200 fathoms | Provisional Chum | Chit wages. Fellowship. The right to be looked at kindly by Mr. Koln. |
| LEVEL 2 200 to 300 fathoms | Certified Chum | Survey equipment. Access to restricted decks. Your name said out loud at a meeting. |
| LEVEL 3 300+ fathoms | Senior Chum | Salvage share. See below. Do not tell Level 1 chums about this row. |
THE SALVAGE SHARE: In our line of work, we recover a great deal of material from the sea floor. Coins. Plate. Boxes that hum. Under our Salvage Share Program, any chum who completes an assignment is entitled to one one-thousandth of everything recovered at their site, paid in kind, in public, at a ceremony. Some sites contain nothing. Some sites contain what is politely called "a career-ending amount of gold." We do not know which site is which until a chum goes and looks. That is where you come in.
HAPPY CHUMS, HAPPY OCEAN
"I came in with nothing but a beach towel and a dream. Now I have a lanyard."
— BARNABY SPLIT, Certified Chum"They paid me in chits the very same afternoon. I have not been able to spend them yet, but they are extremely shiny and they are mine."
— DOROTHEA WINCH, Provisional Chum"Senior Chum in a single weekend. They gave me a lantern, a clipboard, and directions down. I am still working on the clipboard. If anyone sees my wife, tell her the chits are in my coat pocket."
— SEYMOUR ARDEEN, Senior Chum, last check-in 12/28/99
Testimonials collected voluntarily under standard Chum Oceans Network working conditions and by uncoerced means.